Sun Quan answers letters
by The RED Spy
Summary: Inspired by both Cao Cao answers letters and Sima Yi answers letters, what things does Sun Quan get in his mail?
1. Chapter 1

Dear Lu Xun,

No, I do not give you and Zhou Yu permission to set the entire land besides Wu territory on fire to defeat Wei and Shu.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Zhou Yu,

Did Lu Xun not tell you what I said to him? You cannot burn the entire land, if you do, what do we do with that territory then?

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Jiang Wei,

Please stop talking about benevolence and that crap, it's getting old.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Cao Cao,

I am sorry about that fire that burnt down half of your capital, I do not have any idea who would do it or how it started.

Sincerely, your sworn enemy, Sun Quan.

Dear Huang Gai

Stop asking me to be the decoy to start a fire attack on the Shu capital, did Lu Xun and Zhou Yu not tell you I didn't give them permission?

Sincerely, your semi-concerned lord, Sun Quan.

Dear Yuan Shao,

I am sorry about your entire home being burnt down and you being forced to live on the streets after losing all your gold in the fire.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Guan Yu,

I do not know who would burn your beard off, I send you my apologies.

Snncerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Lu Xun,

Quit asking about launching a fire attack, if you burn the entire land, it will be useless!

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Sun Ce,

I am glad to hear from you again brother, and I agree with you, we need to keep an eye on Zhou Yu.

Sincerely, your brother.

Dear "Phoenix",

You cannot possibly be related to me in any way possible, Neihter Ce nor Shangxiang have mention having a son or a relative called Phoenix. And stop saying your from the future where you have united the land under this "Crimson Banner" of yours. Your drunk, go get some help.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Sun Shangxiang,

While it is nice to hear from you again sister, no. I cannot have Zhou Yu and Lu Xun burn down the Shu capital so you can escape and return to Wu.

Sincerely, your brother.

Dear Lu Bu,

Yes, it was Lu Xun and Zhou Yu who "accidently" burnt Dio Chan.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Lu Bu,

No, I did not have any part in doing that and I did not give Lu Xun and Zhou Yu any bit of permission, what am I, a pyromaniac?

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear "Roman Belic",

I do not know what this bowling is nor do I want to go do it with you. And who are you?

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

**That's all for now folks, I know this was short, but I don't really have many more ideas, that's why, I want you the viewers, to "send" letters to Sun Quan. You can have any Dynasty Warriors character do it, heck, you could say it's from yourself if you want to. Just post it in a review or PM me, one or the other.**


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Cao Pi,

I am sorry, but Zhou Yu and Lu Xun are currently busy trying to heal Dio Chan of the scars I believe they gave her and you know what will happen if I didn't agree to that. And when I get my hands on that Jia Xu!

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Dio Chan,

If they haven't arrived by now, a letter I got from them says they should have a concoction ready. If they don't, please do not let Lu Bu try to kill them.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Lu Bu,

Oh, so you severely wounded Lu Xun...

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Sakura,

I will still not use that plan, I am no pyromaniac... Well, maybe a little for allowing those plans back at Chibi and Yi Ling, but I'm not burn the rest of the land crazy. And if you are behind me, get out of my house before I send my men after you.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Zhuge Liang,

What do you mean you can't summon rain to put fires out, you can summon wind!

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Zhou Yu,

I just asked Lu Su and Lu Meng if that was true and they said yes. Sorry about the misunderstanding and sending you to heal Dio Chan. If you get this letter, I am glad that Lu Bu did not kill you. But I'm afraid I still have to keep an eye on you, just in case.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Jia Xu,

I'm coming for you.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Zhu Ran,

No, going against my orders and fire attacking Wei and some of Shu was not for the good of the land, you've only pissed them off more. Your fired.

Sincerely, your former lord, Sun Quan.

Dear Guo Huai,

No you cannot shoot Zhu Ran and Lu Xun to death with that cannon thing of yours.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear "Sun Jian",

I know you are not my father, he has been dead for years now.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Gan Ning,

I believe you need to lay off the drinks some, I saw you shouted you are the "legendary Super Saiyan" and cupped your hands together shouting Kamehameha or something like that at me.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Lu Xun,

I am sorry, but I must remove you from your post due to your recent escapades.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Guan Ping,

No you cannot kill Lu Xun nor Zhu Ran for burning your father's beard off.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Xiahou Ba,

No, you cannot kill Lu Xun nor Zhu Ran for them destroying your father's favorite bow.

Sincerely, Suan Quan.

Dear Dian Wei,

No, you cannot kill Lu Xun nor Zhu Ran for burning down all of Xu Zhu's crops.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Damn it Jiang Wei,

No, you cannot kill Lu Xun nor Zhu Ran for burning/destroying Zhuge Liang's fan, and stoo talking about benevolence all the damn time!

*It wasn't even signed.*

Dear, "The RED Spy",

First of all, what kind of name is that? Second, why would you want Lu Xun to join your force? He's a massively wanted pyromaniac!

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Zhou Tai,

What do you mean Lu Xun suddenly vanished when you turned your back for a second, find him!

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

**Ok, that's all for now folks, remember, if you want a letter sent to Sun Quan, post it in a review or a pm!**


	3. 3:I finally got off my lazy arse

Dear Zhou Tai,

Oh... That had to have hurt.

Sincerely, your lord, Sun Quan.

Dear Cao Cao,

I believe you had to much to drink, Zhu Ran and Lu Xun only burnt down half your capital.

Sincerely, your sworn enemy, Sun Quan.

Dear Sima Yi,

What do you mean you accidentally turned Cao Pi into a "Playsation four" when he wanted one and you want my help? What am I supposed to do?

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Sima Hui,

I heard you managed to kind of fix Cao Pi when something like now happened to him, try doing something about it.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Cao Cao,

So Sima Hui only managed to turn Cao Pi into this thing called a "Robot"? And your blaming me for this!? What the hell did I do!

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Cao Pi-Bot,

So that's what Sima Yi calls you now, eh?

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Zhen Ji,

Tell your fellow officers in Wei that I can't do anything about your husband's situation!

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Da Qiao,

No, you do not look ugly without your makeup.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Ashamaru,

No.

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Ashamaru,

NO!

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

Dear Xun Yu,

Ok, so you fixed Cao Pi of his situation kind of, but you turned him into a woman? AND WHY DO YOU WANT MY HELP!

Sincerely, Sun Quan.

**** YOU XUN YU!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN TO TURN CAO PI BACK INTO A MAN YOU HAD TO TURN ME INTO A WOMEN, F***ING CHANGE ME BACK!

SINCERELY, SUN QUAN.

GODAMMIT XUN YU!

NO, I DID NOT WANT YOU TO TURN LIAN SHI INTO A MAN TO CHANGE ME BACK, ARE YOU ON SOMETHING!

SINCERELY, SUN QUAN.

*Cue Sima Yi rape-facing*


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Zhang Liao,

Thank you.

* * *

Dear Luban,

Because some people up there in Wei are jerks.

* * *

Dear Lianshi,

Do I even need to say?

* * *

Dear Chong Wu(Our envoy has a name?)

Tell Sima Yi I (kind of)thank him for removing the spell off of Wu.

* * *

Dear Gan Ji,

You might have as well sent Sima Yi and Xun Yu to haunt me.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

What do you mean there a massive army coming for Wu made up of these people called the Egyptians, Persians, Romans(I thought Wei killed them all), Spartans and Greeks being lead by Gan Ji?

* * *

Dear Gan Ning,

What do you mean that massive army is crushing us!

* * *

Deaf Liu Bei,

We could use some help with this large army.

* * *

Dear Liu Bei

*Attached is a painting made by Ma Dai of Liu Bei giving whoever is looking at the painting the double middle finger.*

Oh yea, real mature.

* * *

Dear Xu Shu,

We'll let you out of that Roman prison if you help us with this threat.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

Your shooting lasers out of the but now? Use that against that army!

* * *

Dear Cao Cao,

*Attached is a survey made by him*

I guess I'll fill this out?

* * *

1. Will you give Wu to me?

No.

2. Are you a pedophile for the Qiao sisters?

No...

3. Are you gay?

No...

4. Is Liu Shan a much better ruler than you?

Hell no.

5.*Hentai of Lianshi*

Where the hell did you get that?

*Area of paper covered in blood*

6. Are you gay for Zhou Tai?

I swear to Nuwa, that was one time. ONE TIME! And we were drunk during then!

7. Do I have the finest ass in the land?

No, that one butcher shop Sima Yi told me about does.

8. If you answered the other kind of ass, please rephrase that.

I didn't even mention your behind.

9. 10 people stare at Lianshi's chest per minute, how many people would have stare at Lianshi's chest after an hour?

None, because I would have killed them all.

10. Lu Xun burns down 5 houses a minute, how many would he have burnt down after a day?

None because I took fire away from him.

* * *

DEAR SIMA YI,

WHAT THE HELL? YOU FIXED THE LAZERS PROBLEM WITH ZHOU YU!? WE NEEDED THOSE LAZERS!

*Cue Sima Yi rape-facing again*

* * *

Dear Gan Ning,

Wow, I didn't know Ling Tong could do that.

* * *

Dear Lu Xun,

If you can defeat the massive army, I'll rehire you.

* * *

Dear Lu Xun,

*Attached is a box of fire letters*

I don't think fire will affect phantoms that much.

* * *

Dear Zhu Ran,

*Attached is a "fire bomb"*

The hell is this?

* * *

Dear Zhu Ran,

Oh, you and Lu Xun invented it and you want me to use it on Gan Ji? Ok...

* * *

Dear Gan Ji,

*Attached is the bomb and the fire letters*

Goodbye?

* * *

Dear Lu Xun,

I told you it wouldn't work.

* * *

Dear Zuo Ci,

Wait, is this THE Zuo Ci?

* * *

Dear Zuo Ci,

Wait, you live literally right next to where I live? How did I not notice.

PS: Thanks for helping us with Gan Ji.

* * *

11. Go to hell.

Well **** you too then.

12. What happened at the battle of Chibi?

We kicked your arse.

13. Do you liek Mudkips?

A what?

14. Why did you betray Shu?

We had no other option!

15. Yea, right asshole.

(Ok, that's it, I'm done with this.)

* * *

Dear Cao Cao,

So your whole palace got burnt down? That's not good. I wonder who would do this.(Finally obeyed my orders and did something right Lu Xun.)


	5. Chapter 5

"Astral"

I though I had fangirl letters blocked...

* * *

Zhao Yun,

My sister cannot marry anyone else, so you will be fine.

* * *

Dear Guan Suo,

*Attached is DVDs of Human centipede 1 and 2(Yes there's a second one.)

What is this?

* * *

Dear Lu Su,

Get my DVD player hooked up.

* * *

Lianshi,

No you cannot watch these movies with me.

* * *

*Two movies viewed later*

Sun Quan:Oh my god...

* * *

*The following letters were wrote to Quan*

Brother,

Where are you? Everyone has said you've been gone for weeks! I need you to give them the order to get me out of Shu!

Sincerely, Shangxiang.

P.S:Why is their blood all over your room

* * *

My lord,

Ever since you disappeared I've got nothing but letters from people saying to strip for me or "Let's bang". Please return and get rid of this nonsense!

Sincerely, Lianshi

* * *

My son,

Where are you? I need you to say that I'm not dead!

Sincerely, your father.

* * *

Brother,

Where are you? Wu needs it's leader!

Sincerely, Ce.

* * *

Sun Quan,

Our soldiers are low in morale without you, come back!

Sincerely, Zhou Yu.

* * *

Dear Sun Quan,

Come on, come back, I need someone who can lead an army that I could maybe get a decent challenge out of!

Lu Bu.

* * *

Dwor lard San Qoin af fire lond,

Came bock! I needs u sa i co yell u wot Long Tang con da!

Gin Nong

* * *

My lord,

I need you to came back. People have been posting nothing but Yaoi of me and you all over the land.

Zhou Tai.

* * *

Sun Quan,

I need you to come back, I need someone to try to invade Wei and fail horribly so I can laugh at them!

Cao Cao(And Sima Yi, they somehow sent the same letter.

* * *

Sun Quan,

Ok, I'm sorry for sending you that painting, I was really mad at you at the time!

Lui Bei

* * *

(Return to Sun Quan's POV)

Xiahou Dun,

*Attached is both movies*

Take your spawn of demon movies.

P.S:Who the hell would want THESE movies?

* * *

Dear Ce,

What do you mean Zuo Ci took over Wu when I disappeared and brainwashed everyone but you Gan Ning, and my father?

P.S. OUR FATHER IS DEAD CE!

* * *

Dear Zuo Ci,

What are you doing calling YOURSELF the ruler of Wu, Wu is mine!

* * *

Dear Lu Bu,

You work for him!?

* * *

Zhang Jioa,

You work-I thought you were dead!

* * *

Yuan Shao,

What are all these dead people doing working for Zuo Ci!

* * *

Lianshi,

Im not an imposter, it's me!

* * *

Dear "father",

Go away imposter, father's been dead for years!

* * *

Gan Ning,

NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO SEND ME DRUNK LETTERS!

* * *

Liu Bei,

I need help with this new threat!

* * *

Liu Shan,

Everyone in Shu has been brainwashed too!?

P. weren't brainwashed?


	6. Chapter 6

**Short chapters are short.**

* * *

Chong Wu(You haven't been hypnotized?),

*Attached is the movies*

GET THOSE SPAWN OF DEMONS AWAY FROM ME!

* * *

Sima Yi,

What!? But that force big enough to take on Wei/Jin!

*Letter was not sent when he got Zhang Chunhua's letter.

* * *

Zhang Chunhua,

So, if we work together, including Liu Shan who wasn't brainwashed for some reason, that gives us... 11 people. 12 if MY envoy hasn't been brainwashed yet.

* * *

Roman Emperor,

You'll help?

* * *

Roman emperor,

You only have 2,500 men? Yea, that's not going to help us much...

* * *

Roman emperor,

WELL THEY HAVE A BUNCH OF MEN WHO CAN TAKE ON WHOLE ARMIES AND WALK AWAY BARELY HURT!

* * *

Chong Wu,

Gan Ning just ran into the enemy and got himself captured and possibly brainwashed?

Well-

* * *

Zhang Chunhua,

Make that 11 people now...

* * *

Zhang Chunhua,

Gan Ning got himself captured.

* * *

Chong Wu,

What can you even do? I don't even think you can fight...

* * *

Chong Wu,

You have a sword? I guess that will work.

* * *

Cao Pi,

*Cao Pi sent a survey to Sun Quan*

No! I already had to put up with the insults with Cao Cao's!

* * *

Cao Pi,

Someone burnt your house again and Zhenji a little? I don't know who did it...(Thank you Zhu Ran)


	7. 7: New chapter length record for me!

Zhang Chunhua,

Brother's more that kind of assault guy than distraction guy... If we still had Gan Ning, we could use him...

* * *

Zhang Chunhua,

Oh, you took Wei/Jin back? Good...

P.S. No, I haven't taken Wu back. Still waiting on those Roman reinforcements...

* * *

Chong Wu,

You mean this letter was meant to be sent to the Roman general who recently arrived from the Roman Emperor, saying for him to come back and forget about helping us? Good thing you intercepted it...

* * *

Roman emperor,

Did I make you mad enough to call your troops back from helping us?

* * *

Roman Emperor,

Good...

* * *

Ce,

Looks like we have to go all Jiangdong in these guys with so little troops...

* * *

Ce,

I can't believe that worked! We've got Wu back and everyone's unbrainwahsed!

P.S Who is that guy who led them?

* * *

Ce,

That's THE Zuo Ci? I thought he dissapeared!

* * *

Chong Wu,

Then who sent the letter to the roman general?

* * *

Liu Shan,

I KNEW IT!

P.S. Why would you want to weaken us? Wei/Jin won't help us out with taking Wu back, and I'm pretty sure you can't take back Shu on your own...

* * *

Ce,

Nah, let him go.

P.S. FATHER IS DEAD, QUIT SAYING HE LIVES!

* * *

Ce,

Yes I was there, father got shot and I went after those who killed them?

* * *

Zhu Ran,

Since when did you become a non-generic?

* * *

Lu Su,

Your a non-generic too?

* * *

Lian Shi,

What do you mean? Your name's always been wrote like this.

* * *

*The following letters are made by random people in Wu, talking about Sun Quan*

Dear Ce,

Why does Quan still think I'm dead?

Your father.

P.S. Why does he seem surprised Lu Su and Zhu Ran aren't generics now?

Father,

I don't know, he also said he went after those who shot you with the arrow, he didn't do that.

Ce

Sun Quan,

Why did you ask me who I was when I saw you? We've seen each other like every day for years now!

Hang Dan

Dear brother,

Something seems off about Quan...

Shangxiang

My lord,

No, my name is not spelled like that.

Lianshi

* * *

*The following letters are made by Lianshi.*

Dear Zuo Ci,

Can you ask me why my lord seems so confused about the new things from DW8?

* * *

Zuo Ci,

You replaced my lord with one form an alternate universe? Why did you do that!

* * *

Sun Ce,

Thats not exactly your brother, that's one from an alternate universe?

* * *

"My lord",

Come to the dining hall, there's something I want to show you...

* * *

*Meanwhile in an alternate universe, we return to the POV of the Sun Quan that is supposed to be the main character of this fic, when he somehow swapped places with another Quan from another universe*

Lianshi,

What do you mean I'm forgetting the space? Your name is really wrote like this!

* * *

"Ma Zero"*,

Who the hell are you and why are you calling me "my lord"?

* * *

Ma Chao,

What are you doing here and in all red?

* * *

Ma Chao,

What do you mean you work for Wu!?

* * *

Zhou Yu,

We are being attacked by... Zhang Lu?

P.S. I thought he was dead!

* * *

Zhou Yu,

What do you mean we are locked in a war that seems it will never end with the kingdoms of Wu in the southeast and center, and some no-named kingdoms ran by Zhang Lu to the southwest, this guy called Sima Ba* to the north west and someone by the name of Fushro Dai* to the northeast? WHERE THE THE NU WA AM I?

* * *

Cao Cao,

You work for us?(Wait, this might actually be a good place... Hehe...)

* * *

Cao Cao,

No, nothing's wrong.

* * *

Zhou Yu,

Uhh, I guess our plan for right know is focus on Sima Ba's capital in He Fei?

* * *

Zhou Yu,

Wow, that battle worked. We kicked their arses and took all their land.

* * *

Zhou Yu,

So what to do with this feared warrior, the former head general of Sima Ba's forces, Gan Ning? See if he wants to join Wu.

* * *

Dear Gan Ning,

Welcome to Wu!

* * *

Lian Shi,

No, I was not yelling nonsense in our room.

* * *

*Back to Lianshi in normal universe*

Zuo Ci,

There, that aught to have taught you a lesson, now bring my lord back!

* * *

*Back to normal universe Sun Quan*

Lian Shi,

What do you mean there's some kind of portal in our room? I guess I'll go check what this rubbish is about.

*Sun Quan gets sucked into the portal*

Sun Quan:"AHHHH!"

* * *

Lian Shi,

What do you mean I'm back?

* * *

Lianshi,

Opps sorry... Yea, I think I got sucked into an alternate universe. It was horrible...(WHY!)

* * *

Ce,

Your hearing things, I did not shout anything from my room.

* * *

Sima Shi,

I wish you good luck on that.

* * *

Dear Lu Meng,

Who is that woman chasing you? She looks like Guan Yinping grown up.

* * *

*Crooked writing because he was laughing a lot during this*

Lu Meng,

Thats Guan Yu!? How?

* * *

*The writing is even more crooked*

Lu Meng,

And she thinks Lu Xun is your son? Im sorry, I can't help, I'm too busy at the moment.

* * *

Zhang Liang,

How am I supposed to know what happened to your brothers?

P.S And go back to being dead.

* * *

Chong Wu,

Yea, that time in the other universe was horrible...(I WANT TO GO BACK!)

* * *

Lianshi,

No, I have never shouted from in our room, what makes you suspicious now?

* * *

Dear Cao Rui

*Attached was a survey made by Cao Rui*

No I will not answer this!

* * *

Dear Cao Rui,

Your house burnt down? I'm sorry about it...(Thank you Lu Xun and Zhu Ran, you pyromaniacs.)

* * *

Chong Wu,

I am perfectly fine after coming back from that other universe.

* * *

Zuo Ci,

TAKE ME BACK THERE!

* * *

*Ma Zero, Sima Ba, and Fushro Dai are characters I made in DW7 Empires.


	8. 8 Back to average chapter word count

Dear Xiahou Dun,

Gan Ji's back? And no, I don't know where he is.

* * *

Cao Cao,

Why did you send me a letter saying let's bang? I'm. Not. Gay!

* * *

Da Qioa,

Its ok, I know you were worried about me. I am the real Sun Quan, not one from another universe.(WHY DID I HAVE TO LEAVE!?)

* * *

Huang Gai,

I am not yelling from my room!

* * *

Zhang Bao of the yellow turbans,

I don't know how you became a non-generic, but your brother Liang is looking for Zhang Jiao everywhere, where is he?

P.S. Go back to being dead with your brothers.

* * *

Zhang Bao,

Sima Yi took his soul?

* * *

Zhang Liang,

Sima Yi took his soul.

* * *

Zhang Liang,

Thats your problem, not mine.

* * *

Chong Wu,

Tournament of strategists? Didn't that already happen?

* * *

Chong Wu,

Another one? Tell everyone about it.

* * *

Fa Zheng,

*Attached was a jar with the soul of Pang Tong in it*

What the Nuwa is this?

* * *

Fa Zheng,

Candy? Ok...

* * *

*Sun Quan just ate Pang Tong's soul.* (Tastes like wine... What's this feeling-)

* * *

*Sloppy but readable writing*

Chng Wuuuuuuu,

Wut? Wut stratigis?

* * *

Soma Zhio(Sima Zhao)

Ooh... *Tons of blood all over letter

* * *

Bro(Sun Ce),

No! You can't has my pretty!

* * *

Xiohuo Dan(Xiahou Dun)

Iiiii don'ttttt careeeeee!

* * *

Fireman 2(Zhu Ran)

Ur just jealous Fireman 1(Lu Xun) is betta than you.

* * *

Ranmaru,

I dint careeeeeeeeeeee!

* * *

Boobies(Lianshi)

Can I touch Ur boobies?

* * *

Bewbs(Still Lianshi)

Wut? I can't? There mine!

* * *

Stupid hat man(Sima Yi),

I don't know nutting abot Ur men getting boobies!

* * *

Sun Belic,

K.

* * *

Belic,

That was soom nace booling!

* * *

One Eye(Xiahou Dun),

Goo awoyyyyyyy!

* * *

Jaysus(Zhuge Liang)

I know nutting aboot ninja man(Pang Tong)!

* * *

Fireman 3(Huang Gai),

Gimme boobies's pictures!

* * *

I forget who ur r,(Han Dang)

WHOOOOO RRRRR UUUUUUUUUUUU?

* * *

Zhuo Ya(Zhou Yu),

U wan strotigast tournoment? K.

* * *

Cow Cow,

lets bang

* * *

Fireman 2,

*Attach was a jar with Lu Xun's soul in it.* more candy? yayyyyyy!

* * *

*Sun Quan eats the soul* (HOTHOTOHOTHOTOHOTHOT!)

* * *

Lianshi,

Ugh, what happened?

* * *

Lian Shi,

(I'm back here? YES!) I guess I got drunk...

* * *

Lianshi,

It was a prank? Well, I was joking. I like here better than in that alternate universe. (NO I DON'T!)

* * *

Shangxiang,

No, I didn't shout that from my room, you must be hearing things.

* * *

Liu Bei,

How am I supposed to know where Pang Ting went?

* * *

Zhou Yu,

Wheres Lu Xun?

* * *

Zhou Tai,

Find who is putting those pictures up and kill them!


	9. Chapter 9

Guan Yinping,

No I don't want to build this thing you call a snowman! And how can there be snow out? It's almost as hot as the fires of Chibi!

* * *

DAMM YOU OROCHI!,

*Nothing else was wrote*

* * *

Ranmaru,

You must be new to how letters work here. If it's sloppy and mentions something completely random, the write is usually drunk.

P.S. No I will not help you with finding your lord, I busy here trying to rebuild Wu.

P.S.S. I was not drunk, my envoy sometimes sends letters and claims to be me when he's drunk.

* * *

Liu Shan,

No I will not help you with taking back Shu, because...

1, You tried to ruin our attempt at taking Wu back.

2. We are trying to rebuild Wu.

3. I don't like you.

* * *

Liu Shan,

I only let you help us because I was desperate.

* * *

Wang Yi,

I only let Liu Shan join because I was desperate at that time.

* * *

Sima Shi,

I believe you already did tell me that.

* * *

Sima Zhao,

I don't know. Maybe you got drunk and had sex with her, getting her pregnant and forgot afterwords.

* * *

Sima Yi,

How am I supposed to know?

* * *

Lianshi,

I look pale? I feel fine-

*Rest of paper covered in vomit*

* * *

Brother,

Those glowing things? I don't know what they even are!

* * *

Sima Yi,

*Attached was the "glowing things*

What are these?

* * *

Sima Yi,

Souls? You mean I ate them? Whose were they?

* * *

Sima Yi,

Lu Xun's and Pang Tong's?

* * *

Liu Bei,

*Attached is a jar with Pang Tong's chewed up soul in it.*

Found him.

* * *

Zhu Ran,

WHY DID YOU SEND ME LU XUN'S SOUL!

* * *

Lu Xun,

Eww... You look ugly now...

* * *

Lu Xun,

You mean chewing on the soul caused it?

* * *

Zuo Ci,

Keep Shu, I don't care anymore.

* * *

Brother,

I just wish there was a way I could get away from this...

* * *

Brother,

No! Not seppuku or whatever it's called! I will not kill myself!

* * *

Father,

Why have you not been replying to my letters?

* * *

Father,

You thought I thought you were dead? Don't be silly. (I really did think that...)

* * *

Sister,

QUIT EAVESDROPPING ON ME!


	10. Announcement

**Guys, I'm announcing something, as of now, I'm putting this fic on hold. I'm busy juggling school, a job, writing for another fic, planning for multiple fics, roleplaying, and much more. I might post a chapter or two every once in a while, but I'm not sure yet. That and I believe all the other "DW character answers letters" fics are doing a much better job than mine.**


	11. Chapter 11:The return of returns

Wang Yuanji,

So?

* * *

Wang Yuanji,

I don't care.

* * *

Sima Yi,

I would, but he has disappeared for an unknown reason. But I believe Zhu ran may be able to do it.

* * *

Masamune Date,

Who the hell are you?

* * *

Guan Yinping,

Winter is near, you can build a snowman with your siblings once it snows.

* * *

Zhou Tai,

I will check this package out.

* * *

*Sun Quan looks into the package, getting attacked by giant spiders that leapt out of it when he opened it. I think you know how this went.*

**So, yea. I'll try to continue his fic now. I've only replied to the letters sent via reviews, and none of my own creation. Just go ahead and review!**


	12. Chapter 12

Zhou Tai,

Im alright now.

* * *

Lianshi,

I guess... How long have I've been out?

P.S. Where's Zhou Tai?

* * *

Lianshi,

You don't know and I've been out for a week? What happened during then?

* * *

Cai Wenji,

Now how am I supposed to believe there's some kind of "robot"(What even is a robot?) Is Doug what you just said?

* * *

Lu Xun,

Some guy called Robocop arrested you and Zhu Ran? I'll look into it.

* * *

"Robocop,"

Could you release Lu Xun and Zhu Ran out if prison?

* * *

Robocop,

No? Why?

* * *

Robocop,

Arson? They've done it every day and it's been fine!

* * *

Sima Yi,

Cheating on me? Lianshi would never do that!

* * *

Xiahou Xuiying,

Who the Nuwa are you?

* * *

Lianshi,

Your pregnant!? How come you've been hiding this from me?

P.S. How did you get pregnant?

* * *

Lianshi,

Oh. I guess it must have been from that "fun" we had last week.

P.S. If it's a boy, name it.. Well,whatever you choose.

* * *

Wei Yan,

Why would I help you kill Zhao Yun?

P.S. You haven't seem to been jealous of him up till now...

* * *

Wei Yan,

"Zhao...Yun...Leads...Shu..."

What are you talking about?

* * *

Zhao Yun,

Whats this nonsense about you being the leader of Shu now?

* * *

Zhao Yun,

You became lord of Shu due to pressure? Ok...?

* * *

Chong Wu,

So your telling me Gan Ning, Zhou Yu, and brother have been arrested?

* * *

Cai Wenji,

Ok, I think I'll help you take on Robocop.

* * *

Zuo Ci,

So you've made everyone believe Zhao Yun rules Shu while you do?

P.S. I don't care.


	13. Chapter 13:Gone Hunting

Guan Yingping,

Uhh... Sure?

* * *

Xiahou Xiuying,

So that's who you are? Huh, you must have been made by Koei while I was out. And you're literally the first person to complain about my officer's drunken letters to me, and not just them. I keep trying to get rid of their illegal stuff, but they keep getting more!

P.S. Who is Hua Baoshi?

* * *

Chong Wu,

Who is Hua Baoshi?

* * *

Chong Wu,

A new person who just came in while I was gone?

* * *

Hua Baoshi,

Welcome to Wu!

* * *

Hua Baoshi,

Who am I? I'm the ruler of Wu!

* * *

Hua Baoshi,

You thought Zhou Tai was? Nonsense!

* * *

Zhou Tai,

Why did Hua Baoshi think you were the ruler of Wu?

* * *

Zhou Tai,

She got confused? I guess that makes sense.

P.S. Where are you?

* * *

Sima Yi,

What are you talking about?

* * *

Lianshi,

You make it seem like there is something bad about it!

*He did not send this when he got Ding Feng's letter*

* * *

Liansh,

*Tears on letter* HOW COULD YOU!

* * *

Zhou Tai,

*The letter was a specially made flood letter*

HOW COULD YOU!

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

*Tears on letter*

I don't care!

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

I'm not crying, I just happened to spill water in the letter.

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

How am I supposed to know how it's only wet in differnet spots and not all over?

* * *

Lu Su,

(Wow, you haven't sent me a letter in a while.)

What do you mean there's an army if people who call themselves "People who want to bang Lianshi", led by Zhou Tai, and are in Wei?

* * *

Brother,

Gather the troops. We're going hunting.

* * *

Brother,

Well, we are going to bring he whole army because... You know what happened last time you went hunting.


End file.
